How to Beat a Spooky Wrestler

Written by Andrew Terrance Kaberline
This blog is scheduled for one read, with a 1000 word type limit!

Envision yourself in a wrestling ring. You’re not a professional wrestler, you’re just some person with a day job that keeps you sedentary.

Whoever comes out that curtain to fight you is probably going to win. Let’s say it’s Brock Lesnar. It’s bad enough that you’re now tasked with trying to defeat the beast incarnate, but how much worse would it be trying to get a W against a literal beast? A demon from hell? A cult (of personality?) leader?

You might say “screw the W, I just want to escape with my life.” But now that wins and losses matter in wrestling again, we’ve got to come up with a plan. So, in honor of Halloween, here’s a concise rundown of some foolproof tactics when facing down some of the supernaturally gifted entities that have decided to take up pro wrestling as their trade.

 

The Undertaker

Special Powers: Undead Monster with the ability to teleport, control light levels, manifest lightning, and drive motorcycles.

Ever Killed Anyone?: He certainly tried to kill Mankind, and I think he powerbombed Muhammad Hussan to hell.

The easiest course of action here used to be to go after his manager/influencer Paul Bearer. The urn that Bearer kept possession over allowed him to be the mind behind the seemingly mindless killer that was the Undertaker. But eventually, Undertaker straight up murdered Paul Bearer by drowning him in a concrete tomb (add Bearer to the list of people Undertaker has killed).

To beat the Undertaker now, you have to catch him off-guard. This is a villain that you can’t just call out. The best bet for keeping the Deadman down is to get a third body in the fold. Avoid going “one-on-one with da Undertakah,” at all costs. With a third body in the match, you might not pin the Deadman, but you can roll-up some other sucker and technically get a win over both of them. Then get out of dodge, and fast.

 

The Fiend (aka Bray Wyatt)

Special Powers: Creepy Rhetoric, channeling the ghost of Sister Abagail, mind control over Xavier Woods, subliminal messaging, making creepy singing children appear in the ring, spider-walking, children’s television hosting.

Can He Be Killed?: While he seems mortal, he was thrown into a lake and then came back reborn, so maybe it’s like a Friday the  13th Part VI thing where NOW he’s superhuman and invincible, pretty late into the canon.

The Fiend has proven to be more powerful and devastating than Bray Wyatt proper ever was. A big difficulty in getting wins over the Eater of Worlds used to be the fact that his giant horror-movie redneck family was always around to complicate things. As a singular cult leader without a flock, Bray was beatable.

Now though, he’s replaced his family with an alter ego, The Fiend. Seth Rollins laid out the groundwork for winning at Hell In A Cell by looking deep within to stoop to The Fiend’s level. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, use some weapons, get your hands dirty, and always double tap.

And even then, this might not get you an actual W, but a no-contest instead. Still, this will prolong your fight with The Fiend, and in the end, it’s been shown that the longer Bray or the Fiend is in the fold, the better your odds of beating him.

 

Any Number of Vampire Wrestlers (Gangrel, Kevin Thorne, Vampiro, Shelley Martinez)

Special Powers: Fangs, slow movements, puffy pirate shirts, leather, pouring buckets of precious blood on other wrestlers are some kind of warning, I guess?

When Do They Appear?: About every five years, or the amount of time it takes for a vampire wrestler to run its course and have creative forget about them.

This one is pretty simple. They’re vampires. They don’t like light. You agree to fight these suckers, but you make sure to do so at an OUTDOOR arena, either during the day or on west coast time.

 

The Demon (aka Finn Balor)

Special Powers: Intimidation, extra-human strength and endurance, unsettling appearances, the ability to crawl.

What Triggers Their Appearance?: A personal affront to regular Finn Balor and/or a wrestling supercard in need of more buys.

The Demon is a tricky bit of business. Take a wrestler who’s already difficult to defeat in combat and fill him with the drive of a demon. What did you do to deserve this? I don’t know, that sounds like a “you-problem.” I can’t help you with that, but I can help you out with Finn!

While Michael Cole will repeat that Finn has never lost as the Demon, that’s not entirely true. He did lose on NXT as the Demon to Samoa Joe, inside a steel cage. This leads me to believe that the freewheeling powers and energy of a demon on the loose is best countered by keeping that Demon cornered. It may be scary, like revving your motorcycle right before hitting a jump, but to defeat the Demon you must close the space between you and him. You must bottle him up. That, or you must make the match last longer so that most of the paint comes off. I’m pretty sure the power is in the paint.

 

Doink The Clown

Special Powers: He’s an evil clown for crying out loud, what can’t he do?

Are They The Best Character In Classic Wrestling Arcade Games?: Without Question

It’s nearly impossible. Normally, when dealing with a clown, I’d tell you to not engage, to forfeit the match, to get as FAR AWAY FROM THIS SITUATION AS POSSIBLE. But I suppose if you were forced to lock up with this psycho, the best course of action would be to try to erase from your mind the fact that this guy is a clown.

Try to look at him as any old boring wrestler. Perhaps, picture Lance Storm? Lance was a great technical wrestler but didn’t strike fear in anyone. Doink was actually a capable grappler when he wanted to be. Remind him of that. Maybe refer to him as Lance a bunch? Perhaps, with his already unstable mind, Doink will start to believe he’s Lance Storm. If you can make him think that, then you’ve already won.

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