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Then. Now. FOREVER!: Predicting The Next 15 Years of WrestleMania
By Pat Stango
We’re only days away from the 34th annual Wrestlemania, but rather than simply predicting who’s going to win on this year’s showcase the immortals (Reigns wins the title, Nakamura vs Styles gets 8 minutes in the mid card. Sorry!) let’s instead jump into The New Day’s time machine and find out what the future of Wrestlemania has in store for us!
April 7, 2019
Location MetLife Stadium, New York (and definitely NOT New Jersey)
Tagline: “The Big Dog in The Big Apple”
The three hour kickoff show opens with the renamed-halfway-through-the-match “Superfly Jimmy Snuka Memorial Women’s Battle Royal.” Celebrity guests include former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is ejected for jumping the barrier to eat New Day’s pancakes.
The main event sees Roman Reigns defend his Universal title against Daniel Bryan, who turns heel during the match by illegally using a steel chair, brass knuckles, and several ethnic slurs. Nevertheless the entire crowd boos as Reigns– clad in a NY Yankees jersey and “I Heart NY” hat— hits the spear to retain.
Also on the show HHH makes an entrance riding an animatronic dragon, and Kenny Omega debuts in a 12-man ladder match for the Intercontinental Title— which is won by Baron Corbin.
Lastly, The Undertaker wrestles his final match, and afterwards rolls into his own casket and closes the lid.
April 5, 2020
Location Skydome, Toronto
Theme Song: “Bright Lights Gettin’ Wild It’s Now or Forever, Baby” by Flo Rida feat. Kevin Rudolph
The Crackle-exclusive Hour 1 of the 4-hour kick-off show opens with the “Last Annual Buck Zumhofe Women’s Battle Royal.”
The greatest stars of NXT past and present—including Finn Balor, Kevin Owens, Aleister Black, Johnny Gargano, and dozens of other top young talent— form a human bridge for HHH and Stephanie’s snowmobile entrance before his match against The Undertaker. HHH wins and then The Undertaker, who had promised to retire if defeated, jumps into an open grave and pulls dirt onto himself in as his music plays for the last time.
Roman Reigns, wearing a Toronto Blue Jays bullet-proof vest and reciting old Kids in the Hall catchphrases as he enters the ring, is booed in his title defense against AJ Styles. Reigns wins with a spear and is hit in the eye with a beach ball as fireworks explode.
April 4, 2021
Location: Soldier Field, Chicago
Hall of Fame highlight: Eric Bischoff spends his entire speech praising HHH for “doing the DX Invasion of Nitro because that was the coolest thing ever and really won the Monday Night Wars, for sure.”
Jim Ross is back to host the first minute of the 5-hour Wrestlemania Kick-off show, broadcast on Tout.
The 40-man IC Title Ladder Match opens the show but is cut short by a musical performance from Machine Gun Kelly.
Finn Balor, AJ Styles, and Kenny Omega team up for a “WWE Universe Club” vs Miztourage match to determine the new General Manager of 205 Live.
CM Punk makes a historic return in front of his hometown faithful, and then proceeds to turn heel and lose via spear to Roman Reigns, who celebrates as 80,000 fans simultaneously get on their knees and beg him to stop.
The show ends with The Undertaker bursting from the ring, vowing to collect one more soul.
April 3, 2022
Location: Death Valley
Tagline: “One More Last Ride… Again”
Kenny Omega hosts the all-star panel on the 6-hour Wrestlemania Kickoff Show, which viewers can now watch on a pop-up ad.
HHH makes his ring entrance inside a ball of pure light. The Rock FINALLY returns to a WWE ring, losing clean via spear to Roman Reigns. After the match The Rock raises Roman’s hand, cuts a promo saying “Now I smell what The Big Dog is cooking’, and it’s greatness, right?” and officially passes on the People’s Eyebrow to Roman. Fans proceed to pelt the ring with garbage as The Rock escapes in a helicopter.
The main event sees The Undertaker turn to dust during his entrance, as his soul rises through the stadium and he vows that he can now “Rest..In…Peace…until next year.” Fans groan and then chant “This is Awesome.”
April 2, 2023
Location: Roman Reigns’ House in front of his Friends and Family
Tagline: “OK, This Has to Get Him Over, Right?”
Theme Song: “Roman Reigns is a Real Cool Dude (Wrestlemania Remix)” by Flo Rida feat. Kevin Rudolph, Sevendust, Machine Gun Kelly, Diddy, Pitbull, Killswitch Engage, Kid Rock holding the corpse of Joe C., a roadie from Drowning Pool, Lil’ Haystacks, BB Gun Jenkins, Miss Thang and the Dubstep Dollies, Hairplug Massacre, Korn tribute band “Freaks Without Leashes“, and Aretha Franklin
Kenny Omega visits your home and wakes you up for the start of the 10-hour Wrestlemania Kickoff show, featuring a “pretty much everyone on the roster” Ladder Match for the IC Title that ends with Dolph Ziggler dressing like the “Where’s the Beef?” lady for a live Wendy’s commercial.
HHH enters the ring by bursting out of a Reigns family photo above the staircase. John Cena makes his first Wrestlemania appearance in five years to promote that “Blockers 3: Now We Block Grandkids I Guess?” is now available for rental at a single Redbox location in Toledo.
In the main event Roman Reigns faces a guy who burglarized his family home the week before. Though Reigns at first gets a solid response of silence and scattered boos, by the finish the crowd is firmly behind the non-wrestling felon who recently stole their refrigerator. Reigns wins via spear and celebrates in his childhood bedroom as his mother puts on the TV and ushers everyone out.
The show ends with The Undertaker ringing the doorbell and asking “Who’s ready to Rest In Peace for the last time one more time?” on the front porch.
Following the massive disaster that was WrestleMania 39, WWE’s popularity plummets which— combined with the invasion of Earth in February 2024 by the army from Planet Kelgong of the 11th Quadrant—turns the next decade of WrestleMania into a strictly niche event for the few humans who managed to hide underground from their alien overlords.
But when Dark Lord Narthos, exalted King of the Kelgongs, happens across a DVD of WrestleMania 3 he instantly becomes a WWE superfan and demands that WrestleMania once again take place on the grandest stage of them all.
April 2, 2034
Location: Xeliac the Conqueror Memorial Coliseum
Tagline: “The Humans Maim Each Other For Our Enjoyment, All Hail Lord Narthos”
Theme Song: “Take a Ride (On My Spaceship), We Back, Baby” by Flo Rida feat. Gorgon the Massive
The disembodied consciousness of Jim Ross joins General Zonk to welcome you to the WrestleMania Kick-off show, lasting 11,000 Earth years and streamed live on both the galaxy’s centralized brainwave… and also YouTube Red.
The Andre the Giant Battle Royal opens the show and is won by a reincarnated Andre the Giant, who throws Kenny Omega into an intergalactic wormhole for the finish.
HHH makes his entrance bursting through the stomach of the alien from Alien for his Hell in the Cell Match against Shane’s son Declan McMahon. After 30 minutes of action Declan climbs to the top of the Cell, rides a jet pack to the outermost ring of Saturn, and then proceeds to miss an elbow drop costing him the match.
The Rock makes his first WWE appearance since leading the human resistance, announcing that he’ll finally be starring in a Fast and the Furious sequel and “your monkey asses are gonna see The Rock drive a spacecar, bitch.”
In the main event Roman Reigns, wearing a Marvin the Martian costume, takes on a numerical simulation of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Despite Roman’s new catchphrase “Believe That…Kelgongs are Superior” and the stipulation that if Stone Cold Simulation wins then the humans would re-inherit control of Earth, the predominantly alien crowd is firmly against Reigns.
In the end, Roman Reigns wins clean with a spear, as the angry crowd pelts the ring with boos and the bodies of their human slaves. Lord Narthos and the floating head of Vince McMahon look on from the skybox, and WrestleMania goes off the air with The Undertaker reforming from a pile of charred ash and promising that the aliens will soon Rest…In…Peace. ■
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